My Wandering Heart

I want to share with you a verse that really carried me for a little while in a darker time of my infertility. I was going through a more depressed time, and I felt that my mind would constantly wander to places that were more destructive than strengthening, and I would just fall deeper into a pit. In the pit I would find discontentment, anxiety, worry, anger, disappointment, bitterness, fear. These things are in complete contrast to the fruit of the Spirit that should be produced in me — love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, and self-control. It would bring my heart lower, cause me to cry over and over, and keep me from so much joy. At first I would try to pray through it, “God get me out of this… Lord, give me joy… Father, please distract me.” It helped, but I realized I was only being a passive recipient and not an active warrior against this struggle. I asked God to show me a better way to get control of my mind and, in turn, my heart. He showed me this verse, which I immediately claimed as my own:

Psalm 119:10

With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!

wanderingI memorized it (obviously, that was the easy part) and wrote it on cards to stick in obvious places all over my house. I put it above my sink, next to my dresser, on my bathroom mirror. I made it my computer background and saved it on my phone for when I wasn’t home. I realized I had to take back my mind for the Lord, and I have to actively do this, not just passively ask God to do all the work. I knew that God’s word has real power in the world. Whenever my mind would start to wander to those dark, harmful places, I would repeat this verse (out loud or in my head). I would repeat it until those thoughts fled. It had momentary effects, but do you know what else happened? As the days passed, I had fewer and fewer times of my mind accidentally wandering to sinful thoughts. By pushing myself to meditate on godly things when my mind didn’t naturally want it, I started to train it and flush out those inclinations, until it was my default to meditate on heavenly things, like we’re told to do in Colossians 3:

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

That verse, Psalm 119:10, reminds me of some lines from the old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,”

“Oh to grace, how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be,

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love,

Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.” 

Our sinful hearts are prone to wander, but God has given us tools to stand up under that temptation and return our hearts to Him.

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One thought on “My Wandering Heart

  1. Pingback: Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it | Redeeming Infertility

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