I have long said that this infertility is not about the baby. It’s not about my body or my ticking biological clock (though I hear it). Trying to conceive started out as about the baby — we’ve dreamed of having a big family, and for years we carefully weighed the decision in wisdom. At first I wasn’t ready at all, then we were ready but felt the Lord saying to wait for other reasons. When we finally felt peace about the go-ahead, we were so excited to finally start our big happy dream family. Actually at first I remember thinking I really didn’t care if we got pregnant — it was fun just to start the new chapter and see what God did.
That got harder to say as the months fell away.
But still deep in my heart, the pain that crept in wasn’t the pain of wanting a baby. It’s not that I don’t want a baby — it’s just that the real issue here is between me and the Lord. From Why aren’t You granting this request? to Where are You? and How could you let this happen to us?, as well as every topic you’ve seen in this blog, and a hundred more personal ones. It’s not about the baby.
So I should’ve seen it coming when, a few months ago I was toiling again in the agony of When is this finally going to be over? and I felt this voice in my heart reply, It’s over when you say it’s over.
And I should’ve known that sooner.
If the trial isn’t about the baby, then it doesn’t end with the baby.
If I really believe this is about my relationship with God (and my husband’s relationship with God), what He’s teaching us, how He’s refining us, then the trial can surely end without a baby.
What a hard thing to acknowledge, but true nonetheless.
Because a baby could come, and the refining continues. I could get what I want, but still be aching inside. Don’t you agree? Haven’t you seen this happen before? It might be a baby, or a husband, or a whatever. If I could just get ________, I would be ok. But the Christian knows that the real issue isn’t in the “_________,” it’s in the heart.
So this is the really hard question to ask yourself… what really needs to be done, in your heart, to end this trial? I don’t even really have an answer — I’m still asking myself the question. I will continue this post in a few days, with the current (wrong) “answer” I keep getting…