Well my infertile friends, here I am again.
I keep writing and re-writing these first few lines. How personal should I get? Who even cares? But when I read blogs and things like this, knowing a little of where those words are coming from means a lot to me. This is a more personal post than usual, but I’ll keep it brief and as vague as possible. After a while of trying for baby #3, I had an ectopic pregnancy a couple months ago. It came out of no where. It ended in surgery and I lost my tube. It was a bit overwhelming. God was unimaginably faithful. And now, we wait again.
We have been reliving so many of the same lessons we walked through years back as we waited for our first child. Will we ever get pregnant? Is this it? What is God doing? What story is He writing for our family? A God-given yearning for a baby that often overwhelms and surprises me. Where did this feeling come from? Why did He give it, if He might not meet it? So many possible fears and unknowns. Two weeks to the day after my surgery some of our closest friends told us they’re expecting. We’re thrilled for them, for sure, but it was those same conflicting feelings all over again. Will that ever be us? Do they know this is painful?
Back then hearing about “secondary infertility” often made me roll my eyes. You already have kids, I would think. This is not the same. And it’s true, it’s not the same. I have full arms and a full home with two sweet little boys. I have seen the Lord faithfully meet my deep longing to be a mother, in some really incredible ways. Stories we get to retell over and over of miracles and mercy. I will not tell you it’s the same at all.
But He is meeting me here, and that is the same. He is sanctifying us day by day, purifying us in our pain and teaching us incredible lessons of faith and trust. Those are not trite words to us. They are real, day-to-day experiences and efforts He has continually asked us to learn.
As we sat in the ER room waiting to go to surgery, my husband confessed it was a hard pill to swallow — the Lord was once again asking us to hand Him whatever control we thought we had on our fertility. “I thought we already learned this,” he said. “Well, clearly we haven’t,” I replied, looking at the pain and fear we already had mounting up in our chests.
So that’s how I come to you, faithful blog readers (I know you’re still there, because a lot of you e-mail me often with your stories). I’m learning the same lessons, I’m learning new ones. I’m all the wiser from my first trial, but still clearly lacking enough for the Lord to bring us back here.
In the past several weeks I’ve sought encouragement and growth from many sources, and I look forward to sharing them. These first few posts will focus on some of the new (to me) songs that have been blessing my heart.